The post before this one was all on early childhood! Thereafter things like boarding school, puberty and the boys on the swimming team seemed more interesting and suddenly, hot faced, it hit me like a ton of gold bricks: My world, was in fact, not MY world, but a world shared by other humans, with a common sense of what was right and what was wrong. This realization made me realize that , not only was I different, but it was noticeable to others.
I got along better with the girls than the boys and spent most of high school lunch breaks trying not to look awkward. I was in the said “closet” and my god was it getting hot in there!! I was so naïve to what the world had to offer me and not just what it had against me. If most of you are starting to relate to this story , you would by now know that I am talking about my “Coming of age” as a gay man.
Experts have shown that most Homosexuals as boys, or girls know that they are “different” as young as the age of 6. Those same experts have disputed the idea of Homosexuality being genetic or solely because of circumstance and upbringing, but I can tell you that mine was a fabulous mix of both. As you can imagine my mother would hang herself on a string of freshwater pearls at the thought of “making” me gay. I do not think this was the case at all, I just think she was the incubator for my already “differently” programmed being. Shocking, however is how difficult it is for many boys or rather, young men to embrace this sense of themselves. In the past and still today more and more men are “coming out” to their family and friends as men well into their 30’s or 40’s or at the opposite side of the scale at 15 or 16. Has it now become more acceptable, or as recently stated by someone close to me as being “fashionable”. Personally the idea of missing out on all the nubile fumbling and unexplained erections at rugby games would be quite depressing.
As a reader or user of this website, I would think that you, yes you, would be a fairly open minded individual with a sense of exploration at hand. Do you feel like you have something within you screaming to get out? Here are a few ways of knowing you are gay, or just downright a flaming queen:
1. You have at least three different movies that you can watch everyday of the week.
Not so FAST! “Anyone could have that “ you say, well not ANYONE also wants to be the lead actress or can relate their life story to her. And not ANYONE always cries at that one spot when he tells her he loves her.
2. You look at yourself at least 5 times in the rear view mirror and proceed to either find something wrong , or the need to squeeze something on your face in the car on the way to work in the morning .
3. Your penis has a name…. (Yes, it happens)
4. You NEVER wear black and brown in the same ensemble. (And if you do, go to the page with the tits and ass, you don’t belong here)
5. Your mother was either instrumental or detrimental to your dress sense as a young boy.
6. You consider hair removal on every square inch of your body a sensible investment.
7. You find the need to use your hands excessively during conversation.
8. You stop to look at your ass in reflective surfaces. (Glass doors, lift doors, your car)
9. Your idea of commitment is looking after a plant, given by someone you are seeing.
10. There is a distinct difference in a person you are “seeing” and one you are “in a relationship” with.
11. You have dreams of getting married in something similar to what your mother got married in, only bigger!
12. You knew that all the above was completely over the top, but mainly true.
So, once the difficult denial period has worn off you are now feeling interested in knowing what your mind is all about and how this highly modified train of thinking has lead you to where you are now, alone, with a picture of a Men’s Health cover model in your hand and a hard on. Personally at this point it occurred to me that this behavior, as well as matching pastels, may mean that I was indeed, of THAT persuasion, you know, “batting for the B team” or interested in playing “hide the sausage”.
(As a side thought, I would also like to know why a highly evolved being such as a gay has not come up with better terms than these, anyway…)
Now what does one do when newly discovered as being a gay? Does the sense of excitement guide or destroy you? Do you feel ashamed or deprived? Do you take the plunge or spend the next 20 years spanking the monkey to a picture of your personal trainer, Johannes, while your wife prepares another exciting meal of fish fingers and something that resembles mashed potatoes?
This question can only be answered by the involved party. I asked myself these questions, I asked myself these questions many times when trying not to come across as gay or pushing people away when I could not brave the idea of someone knowing, when one day, I was sitting in my fat pants, watching Oprah with my mother and eating ice cream out of a tub, when she told me that if I plan to sneak another man into the house in the dead of the night, I may consider letting her have a look at how cute he was first.
Just there and then, accidentally deep throating an ice cream spoon, with tears in my eyes I thought that pretending not to be was so much harder, than trying to make it work!
Shortly after my mother ripping the doors off my closet and setting it on fire life was a rollercoaster that I am still on today. From what I have written here I realize that the bulk of it is stereotypical of gay behavior, but my dear, it is so true! And that one faithful night, sweaty and standing in the middle of the dance floor of a favorite nightclub where some Sandton Queens would venture to on Safari to see the Lesser Spotted Barefoot Homosexual, a sentence of realization hit me: “Behold… The Gay”.
