The X Files....

The X Files…

The age old what happens after the breakup has always been a time in my life that seriously PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF!
Not only do you have to make your way through the per functionary last month of the dregs of the relationship building up to the breakup, but then also the actual breakup (long winded or not so long winded) and then the aftermath of it all… something like the remains of an elephant taking a giant shit on your car.
So in my past limited experience with some of the world’s most psychotic men these are the three types of break up:

1. Ugly Crying and Emotional Cutting:
When I refer to Ugly Crying I refer to something we have all done before. The type of crying that involves all the fluids in your general face are to end up running down your neck. You cant breathe properly, you have a ridge of snot and tears on your top lip and your eyes resemble piss holes in the snow…. On top of this occasional outburst of emotion (at least six times before lunch) you also indulge in a bit of emotional cutting…. Like looking at the photo’s of when the two of you were happy, listening to bad breakup songs written by pseudo lesbians ( Lindsey Lohan) or buying the same cologne he uses and spraying it on your pillow at night (Excuse me while I try counter involuntary bowel movement)

2. World War Drama
Yes my dears, this is when shit gets crazy and when you decide to go all Ivana Trump on his ass! “Don’t Get Angry, Get Everything” is the motto I like to live by when it comes to this. The division of everything is the one that will catch up to you on this… The division of the friends (like a first grader making them decide who they like more), the division of the assets (you get the Paul Smith towels, and I will take your mother’s heirloom crystal) and the division of your sanity… yes, you are foaming at the mouth possessed with trying to make his life as difficult as you can possibly muster.
May I state however that the above is usually proportionate to the incident that lead to the break up in the first place… or the amount of anti psychotic medication not being taken as per the prescription at the time. Be careful what fight you pick my dears… some boys have a bigger bite than bark!

3. Cut his cock off and set it on fire
This situation I have realized in the past is usually due to cheating or something equally horrid. This is when you lose all sense of humanity and whatever you do is definitely not becoming of a homo. You plot how to sneak into his house when he is not there and break things, you wonder if you have long lost, hair covered, gold chain wearing cousins that can break his legs with cricket bats and more importantly you wonder how well his expensive German sedan’s breaks would work if they were covered in axel grease?
You also have an inclination on making his doings public to all your collective friends on Facebook… with or without incriminating pictures and you have a mandatory rebound with his brother or best friend.

After all of this a brief but glorious period of “finding oneself” ensues which is usually followed by lonely singledom and then…. Then my friends the worst possible thing happens… you are having lunch with friends… or a boy you have liked and never been able to make a move on and while with this person… you run into the arsehole at the most inconvenient of places… awkwardness is the only answer to the brief few seconds in which your eyes meet and you wonder whether to look away, look down, smile, frown, flip him the bird, giggle, say hi, tell him to go fuck his mother or just turn around and bolt?

This is the day where you cannot eat anything, you are filled with rushing mixed emotions of love once forgotten and rage at why the hell he dared come into your space of comfort and where he knows you usually hang out. (You should have marked all the boundaries by peeing on it like a Jackrussel).

This is unexplainable to anyone you are starting anew with without jealousy ensuing or friends without weirdness or banter about what a wanker he is and if he has picked up weight in the last two months and you cannot help but wonder… wonder if he still misses you at night like you do him some times.

But all of this is filed in the X File by the following day and put into the back of the longest drawer possible. Upward and onward I always say…. AND FUCK THE EX’S!! :)